HOW TO TALK TO HUMANS

19 Dating App Opening Lines That Aren’t “Hey, How Are You?”

Hannah Furst
3 min readSep 25, 2021

It has come to my attention that more people could be dating on dating apps. Yes dating on a dating app. Rather unorthodox, I know.

But hear me out.

There are four words getting in the way of you finding love, sex, platonic cuddles, light spanking, ethical non-monogamy, repeated rejection, or whatever it is that you’re looking for on a dating app: Hey, how are you?

Everyone is either good, bad or anxious, let’s just get that out of the way. And before you get technical or tricky with me, yes, this includes all variations of hey how are you, including, but not limited to, hello how you doing, howdy how’s life treating you, hiiiii how you been, oi what’s up, and so on.

So, unless you’re on the apps to waste what precious time you have left on this earth, here we go:

  1. How’s ya mum? I haven’t seen her in a while.
  2. Let’s debate… banana on pizza?
  3. Do you brush your teeth morning or night? (Yes, this is a trick question.)
  4. Choose your own adventure: (1) deeply uncomfortable personal question or (2) boring yet socially acceptable question.
  5. If they choose (1), then ask, Who do you love more, your mum or dad? If they choose (2), then unmatch.
  6. You can only choose one: love, sex or money? (If they choose sex or money, unmatch, obviously.)
  7. What are your three biggest turn-offs? (I plagiarized this from a guy on Hinge. Let me tell you… It worked.)
  8. I would like to emotionally drain your life. You in? (This one might be more specific to me and my romantic needs.)
  9. Wild idea: we put effort into chatting for the next 24 hours and if we hit it off, we meet up within the next 3–5 business days. You in?
  10. Choose one: (a) We say nothing to each other until one of us deletes the app, (b) We chat about the weekend, then the weather, then work, then wait until the convo fizzles, or (c) We discuss the meaning of life using only emojis.
  11. What was the best first date you ever went on that went nowhere?

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Hannah Furst

Award-winning Aussie podcaster, freelance marketer & screenwriting student. Some days I write satire. Other days I feel a bit more serious.