Those bloody women over 35… They’re all tick-tock, tick-tock.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

I recently got an unsolicited message on Instagram from a guy who claimed to have matched with me on Hinge in 2019. The DM is longer than a full-screen iPhone 11. A lot of effort has obviously been put into the crafting of this charming message.

He lists out his top-line stats.

39 years old.

6 foot.

Work as [insert impressive job title].

Never married, no kids.

He continues.

Furthermore, upon investigation of your digital content, I’d like to take this opportunity to put in an application for a second chance at a date.

The message ends with: I hope…


Photo by Andrej Lišakov on Unsplash

We appreciate you choosing me to go on a date with. To help us improve, we’d like to ask you a few questions about your experiences with me. It’ll only take a minute and will help us make me a more desirable human.

Your name: John

How did we meet? On Hinge. You commented on a photo of me at the beach with “lol whaaaaaaat”.

How would you rate the overall quality of the conversation?

  1. Excellent: Perfect, clear, no problems
  2. Fair: Minor problems, hardly noticed them at all.
  3. Poor: Had several problems; really affected the conversation
  4. Very bad: Problems so…

Hannah Furst

Single & not ready to mingle. Happily lonely. Emotionally unavailable. Manifesting the life no one wants. I use humour to avoid all feelings.

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