Those bloody women over 35… They’re all tick-tock, tick-tock.

I recently got an unsolicited message on Instagram from a guy who claimed to have matched with me on Hinge in 2019. The DM is longer than a full-screen iPhone 11. A lot of effort has obviously been put into the crafting of this charming message.

He lists out his…

When you’ve been out of the game of life for as long as Melburnians have, you find yourself appreciating not only the small things in life but also the things you never thought you’d miss, not in a hundred pandemic years (“pandemic years” are like dog years, by the way…

Humans 101

It worked for me, it might just work for you

You hate dating apps, I get it. I was you once and I remember how shit it feels. I’ve come to discover that being successful on dating apps has nothing to do with how hot your profile pics are, and everything to do with your mindset.

For this challenge, we…

Can we normalize not sitting in front of a computer screen all day?

I’ve never had a great idea at my desk. I’ve had a lot of good ideas and a lot of shit ideas and a lot of heart palpitations when I get emails with the subject “URGENT” (by the way, it’s never urgent).

But I’ve never had a great idea.

My…

Surviving walking dates during the world’s longest lockdown

It was late afternoon and I was standing on the corner of Punt Road. I leaned in to give him a “mwah” on the cheek. It was awkward, as these things are at peak hour on a Thursday afternoon at the busiest intersection in Melbourne.

“Wanna make out?” He said.

HOW TO TALK TO HUMANS

It has come to my attention that more people could be dating on dating apps. Yes dating on a dating app. Rather unorthodox, I know.

But hear me out.

There are four words getting in the way of you finding love, sex, platonic cuddles, light spanking, ethical non-monogamy, repeated rejection…

I have literally never been happier or hotter

I recently rejoined Hinge, and in the midst of my own self-loathing, I forgot to update my age preference. As a result, I had an influx of messages from guys ranging from 18 to 54 years old.

Me, I’m 32. I don’t look older than 32 and I don’t look…

LOCKDOWN HUMOR

Yes, all the guys in the COVID testing queue are married

Melbourne, the world’s former most liveable city, will officially become the world’s most locked-down city.

In a month, I will be set free after spending a total of 267 days in lockdown. And what a year it’s been! …

They’ve been married for 33 years.

My parents met in a much simpler time. It was the mid-80s and my dad saw my mom across the room at a party. He walked over, asked for her phone number, and the next day, he called to ask her out. Because it was a landline phone, my mom…

I have been told that I have to stop talking about my bowel movements on the internet or I’ll never find a husband.

Mom, seriously, get with the program: poo jokes are funny!

Are you guys even aware that everyone poos? Like, even Instagram models. I swear to God, girls…

Hannah Furst

Wildly exaggerated stories about my life.

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